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Additional Words of Wisdom from our Host:
Aug.24'06: Every year, Beloit College in Beloit, WI, comes out with its mindset list for incoming freshmen. It's a huge perspective-builder, and the class of 2010 is no exception. By the way, that is twenty-ten. Enough of this "two thousand" nonsense—1810, 1910, 2010. 'Nuff said. For the most part, the class of 2010 was born in 1988, and for them, the following is true: the Soviet Union has never existed, and therefore, is about as scary as the student union. There has always been only one Germany. They have known only two presidents. The rest, from George H.W. Bush back to George Washington, are all part of the same dusty pages of history. The class of 2010 has never had anyone actually "ring it up" on a cash register, and the phrase sounds distinctly quaint to them. Madden has always been a game.and a fat old guy on TV, not a Super Bowl-winning coach. They never saw Bernard Shaw on CNN. Contact lenses have always been disposable. Smoking has always been banned on U.S. airlines, which have never served food, and have always been bankrupt. They rarely have occasion to place a stamp on an envelope. For the class of 2010, no one has ever shot a skyhook in the NBA. There have never been two teams in St. Louis called the Cardinals. While rummaging in their grandparents attics, they've sometimes come across some messy black sheets called...carbon paper. (They're only vaguely aware of what this is for.) There have always been organ transplants and DNA evidence. The most trusted man in America isn't Walter Cronkite...but Mr. Rogers. Ringo Starr is an older former musician who has always been clean and sober. And for the class of 2010, Billy Martin, Billy Carter, Gilda Radner, Andy Gibb, Lucille Ball, and Secretariat...have always been dead.
Apr. 6,'06: The cellular telephone and internet association trade show is underway at the Las Vegas Convention Center, and the very latest that can be stuffed into a cell phone is on display, from pictures to videos, iPods to computers, to the ability to launch the Space Shuttle, perform minor surgery, and download an entire, edible pizza. Yes, cell phones can certainly do a lot these days, but we may not have tapped into their most important uses. I note a couple of items in the news: A grand jury is about to hear testimony against Georgia Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, and there are calls for her resignation after she allegedly, reportedly walked right past a Capitol Hill security checkpoint without her I.D. button…and…when stopped by a police officer, allegedly, reportedly hit him in the chest—with a cell phone. Also in the news, word that a maid has gotten a lawyer after her supermodel boss, Naomi Campbell (not to be confused with Cynthia McKinney, that's for sure), allegedly, reportedly threw a cell phone at the maid. Well now—who knew what a handy weapon cell phones could be? Whether you have the black belt model—allegedly, reportedly wielded by McKinney—or the throwing star cell phone, allegedly, reportedly used by Campbell, here's a brand new use: if you have one of those small as a credit card cell phones, my guess is it's more suited for throwing than punching—especially if you sharpen the edge. Of course, actor Russell Crowe uses the ‘Sudden Impact’ model on hotel clerks, throwing an entire, corded telephone. But whatever cell phone weapon you choose, remember the mottoes of the National Cell Phone Association: the N.C.A. says when cell phones are outlawed, only outlaws will have cell phones…or…you can have my cell phone when you pry it from my cold dead…ear.
Oct.12,'05: We have so many problems in this country, but sometimes we also have easy solutions. Case in point: those gas prices, and the historic grain surpluses which have depressed farm incomes. This one is easy: use more gasohol and biodiesel fuels, and begin to tackle both problems. Now, consider our porous southern border, and the unfortunate corruption which plagues the Mexican government. This easy solution I got from singer, novelist, and independent candidate for Governor of Texas, Kinky Friedman: “The Five Mexican Generals Plan”: Place one million dollars in trust for each of five Mexican generals, who would each be assigned portions of the Mexican border with the U.S. Then, every time we catch an illegal who crossed in from his sector, we'd remove $5,000 from that general's trust fund. Watch how fast border security tightens—and from their side! Here are more problems with easy solutions: We are plagued with an epidemic of critters in this country…deer, for openers, which cause an estimated 1.5 million traffic accidents each year, and kill 200 people. But we also have far too many geese and pigeons littering lawns and sidewalks, making their #2s a #1 problem in many areas. Solution: kill off those vermin...and feed the hungry! Throw in some road kill as well, and maybe we'll have enough left over to drop the cost of school lunches. Two problems, one solution. And while we're on that theme, consider how many problems President Bush could have saved himself, if only he’d filled the Sandra Day O'Connor Supreme Court vacancy with…Tom DeLay! Conservatives would have loved the choice, Tom's troubles would no longer be cluttering up the House, and as a bonus, Justice DeLay might ultimately get to rule on his own guilt or innocence!
Aug.23,'05: I'm a night person...roughly a 9-to-5'er, but PM to AM...doing the Jim Bohannon Show in the evening to start my day, and getting done after the final feed of my newsmagazine, America in the Morning. From that perspective, I've learned that night people face discrimination. Oh yes we do! Think of that staff meeting at 3:00 pm, for which we either have to wake up for a conference call, or, worse yet, drag our groggy selves into work. Next time, how about they call the staff meeting at 3:00 am, when WE'RE bright-eyed and bushy-tailed? When we're going to work, construction crews are always out blocking the road, as if the only people driving at night must have a frivolous reason for being out. Our friends are always throwing parties at some obscene time like--Saturday afternoon, so we can provide entertainment for them as we crash, nose-first, into the cheese dip. I could go on, but only my fellow nocturnal types are awake enough to lucidly comprehend. So, while you day types grope for the alarm, I'll let you in on a little secret: When I talked about this on the Jim Bohannon Show not long ago, my fellow abused night people joined me in deciding that there's only one way to get some respect in this country: become hyphenated Americans. And so, we're no longer night people. We're Nocturnal-Americans -- angry, outraged Nocturnal-Americans, and we're not gonna take it anymore! Don't roll over and go back to sleep now! We Nocturnal-Americans are talking to you!
We're nocturnal, hear us roar, in numbers too big to ignore,
as we sleep away the day and work the night!
We're nocturnal, and no more will we just sit back and snore,
as we're forced to sometimes function in the light!
Now, if only somebody will show up at our 4:00 am protest rally.
Apr.22,'05: I was in a new store recently and handed the clerk my credit card, only to have him point to this little box in front of me and say “YOU swipe the card.” Which, of course, I did, realizing that I've seen this before. A lot. That is, companies which refuse to offer PEOPLE to help you SPEND YOUR MONEY THERE. The most irritating example for me is—surprise--the airlines, where, more and more, they allow YOU to type your way through the issuance of your own ticket. There are clerks standing right there, but they push you to do it yourself, even if you wish an exit row, or want to buy an upgrade, or whatever else their brain-dead little machine won't handle. And it won't be long until the clerks are totally gone, for--and get this--YOUR CONVENIENCE! No, lowlifes, my convenience is to have your clerk worry about this! This is not for my convenience, it's for your cheapness. And, of course, the ABSOLUTE WORST are these voice recognition phone devices, which can't recognize anything. The Information Operator now can't dispense ANY information, because they can't understand my diction. Oh, really? I do diction for a living! So, I curse at this mechanical slut 'til the live human operator--WHO WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME--finally comes on. We lose millions of man-hours a year to this stupidity, and for you company executives out there, I'm going to tell you how to make some money. Advertise like this: “Buy YOUR widgets at BOHANNON WIDGETS, WHERE A LIVE HUMAN BEING ANSWERS ALL YOUR QUESTIONS! Yes, at BOHANNON WIDGETS, you'll never again get voicemail, or have to do anything but allow live, cooperative human beings to actually SERVE you. I know--the word is unfamiliar, look it up. So, come to BOHANNON WIDGETS...the people place." Now, then: sure, you'll have to shell out money for a $25,000 a year receptionist and a few sales clerks. AND YOU'LL HAVE TO STAND BACK FROM THE STAMPEDE OF CUSTOMERS THROWING MONEY AT YOU...just so they can avoid the voicemail village idiots who form your competition. And we in the public certainly hope you do this. Otherwise, it's only a matter of time before the DENTIST has you in for do-it-yourself drilling…for your convenience.
Mar.21,'05: Osama bin Laden did us no favors September 11th, but he's proven that even the darkest of dark clouds can contain a silver lining. After those dastardly, cowardly, terror attacks, we have--if all too briefly--rallied again. We became Americans again. Not disgruntled Americans, hyphenated Americans, litigating Americans, or complacent Americans, but just Americans. This country is remarkable in so many ways, but near the top of my list would be our ability to take the hard shot and get up--to make up for lost ground and go on to the inevitable triumph. We've made something of a habit of what golf fans used to call an Arnold Palmer finish: make a few mistakes early, fall behind, then come charging down the fairways on Sunday poised to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. We never entered a war truly prepared ‘til the Gulf War of 1991, and that was against an enemy with no capability to strike directly at us. One who had to wait while we took months to assemble and transport our knockout punch. When the armies of Hitler, Tojo, and Mussolini were ravaging the civilized world, the U.S. Congress managed to get around to passing the continuance of the draft by one vote, mere months before the savage and devastating attack on Pearl Harbor. Always, we’ve sat smugly behind two oceans, and, armed with the idiocy of isolationism, told ourselves that our ultimate triumph was inevitable. But it wasn't. Not then, and most assuredly not today. Those oceans are just a few minutes delay in the arrival of a ballistics missile. And in countless ways, at countless targets, an open society such as ours lies vulnerable to even the weakest foe. We are a target-rich environment. We'd be well advised to scuttle that come-from-behind strategy--or excuse--once and for all before it really burns us. I'm convinced that these attacks have proven our nobility. When we first came to world preeminence more than half a century ago, other countries would have carved an empire. We gave the world the Marshal Plan. No other country in history has ever agonized so much over ways to avoid civilian casualties, or ways to feed the starving in Afghanistan, or the proper treatment of the uncivilized savages at Guantanamo Bay, who laugh at our concepts of human dignity and legalistic nitpicking known as the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. The United States is far from perfect, but from the comparisons of the real world, we're a darned sight closer to perfect than any dominant power in history. Yet, within that nobility there have been examples of some of the most bigoted xenophobia toward anyone who could be vaguely stereotyped as a terrorist. We need to rein that in--and forcefully--or we just might wind up giving Osama bin Laden exactly what he wants: a holy war. We remain bewildered by the abject hatred of our enemies. Part of it is just plain envy. We're successful. Our system works. That's sufficient for small minds. We've been the world's top dog for just over half a century. The British, who held that rank for 350 years, learned that there are those who always hate the dominant power, merely because they are dominant. The British learned what we must learn: those at the top can never depend on the world's affection, but we can demand its respect. Militarily, we've prevailed again in lopsided victories. But if I were Osama bin Laden, still alive out there somewhere--my forces dead, imprisoned or scattered--I'd still take heart in the lessons some of our past enemies learned: take your shots from the Americans, but never give up. In the end the U.S. will tire of the effort, or get bored, and seek a dozen excuses to stop...and then you can prevail. That's our biggest foe right now: the gross national attention span. We're Americans, and we think instant gratification is our birthright. We're the only society in history which stands in front of the microwave oven yelling “Hurry!! I haven't got all minute!!” If we can overcome some of those things, we may yet prove as invincible as we think we are.
Feb. 6,'05: Before February gets too far along, I thought I'd pass along the fact that this is SOME month this year, not even including that quadrennial bulking up to 29 days like last year. But calendrical steroid use aside, this is some month because it's really 22 months in one. It's all of those special declared months. This is, for example, American History Month...Black History Month...and Black Heritage Month. It's also Humpback Whale Awareness month--if one is around, I imagine you'd be aware--and Cat Health Month. And, so that we humans are well enough to look after the welfare of stray cats and whales, February is also Heart Month, Marfan Syndrome Awareness Month, Children's Dental Health Month, and Life-Rhythms and Health Month. And you'd better be healthy if you also celebrate Canned Food Month, Great American Pies Month, Snack Food Month, Cherry Month, Grapefruit Month, and Shape Up With Pickles Time. Now, just put everything in a blender and hope that somebody declares this antacid month as well. And if you go buy all of that, you can also observe Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month. February is also National Blah Buster Month, designed to provide comfort to all who still suffer the winter blahs, since February is considered by many to be the most depressing month of the year. And this is National Embroidery Month, if all we've listed so far hasn't kept you in stitches. February is National Develop Your Self-Esteem Month, and it's Human Relations Month. And while it may be completely coincidental, this is also National Condom Month. Plus, It's Creative Romance Month. Just remember: one person's creativity is another person's felony.
Feb. 5,'05: Now that Bush II:2 (2nd Bush, 2nd term) is underway, I still hear a few of you not-so-silently bleating about the outcome of the election. In fairness, we'd be hearing the same if John Kerry had won, so I thought I'd stroll through the official outcome, to see if you think the also-rans would have been any better. Finishing 3rd, with over 390,000 votes--and, like everybody else on this list, that's below 1% of the total vote--was Ralph Nader, the new Harold Stassen of the left. Fourth place went to Libertarian Michael Badnarik, who got over 373,000 votes for anti-government views just short of a Pentagon fire sale. Fifth was Michael Peroutka of the Constitution Party, who got nearly 129,000 votes on the view that Republicans are really flaming socialists. Sixth place really is a flaming socialist, David Cobb of the Green Party, which wants to "eradicate the military-industrial complex." Not manage it, or prune it--eradicate it, and--what? Plant trees as a national defense? Whatever, it was a view worth nearly 104,000 votes. In 7th place in the recent race for the presidency, with over 21,000 votes, was Leonard Peltier, whose ability to serve as president is somewhat hampered by his current incarceration. Eighth place went to Walter Brown of the Socialist Party with 10,187 votes, from those who, like Walter, want to withdraw all U.S. troops--everywhere. In 9th place, with 6,678 votes, is James Harris of the Socialist Workers Party, who only ran because their real nominee, Roger Calero, is foreign born and under the age of 35, doubly ineligible to be president, but still good for 5,255 votes. We go to 11th place, where Thomas Harens of the Christian Freedom Party got 2,339 votes by proclaiming that voting for Kerry was a venial sin. Even Karl Rove didn't think of that. Next, in 12th place, is Socialist Equality Party candidate Bill Van Auken, who got 2,088 votes, and whose website admits, in a burst of uncharacteristic minor party candor, that he wasn't going to win. But Billy, you beat out Prohibitionist Gene Amondson, who only received 1,895 votes, thanks in part to factional fighting which could lead some of them to drink. Fourteenth place goes to John Parker of the Workers World Party--1,159 votes for a group reputed to have a violent orientation. Charles Jay of the Personal Choice Party was chosen by 867 voters for 15th place, and in 16th place is Andy Andress--715 votes--about whom we know merely that he once ran for congress on the slogan "Honesty." And lest we forget, with 3,379 votes, which would have beaten out half a dozen of these honest to goodness presidential contenders, was "None of the Above." Bush and Kerry are looking better all the time.
Feb. 1,'05: I've noted, of late, that I seem to be behind the curve of some of my journalistic colleagues. Armstrong Williams got in major hot water for accepting $240,000 from the Department of Education for promoting ‘No Child Left Behind.’ At this time, he appears to be the grownup left behind, as least as far as a journalistic career is concerned. Then, columnist Maggie Gallagher has admitted being paid $21,500 to help write an article for an assistant secretary at the Department of Health and Human Services, as well as to brief department officials on the President's initiative to strengthen families. Either Gallagher was selling out at discount, or the Education Department has a better fee scale. We've even learned that Jonathan Cheban, of public relations fame, we are told, has been banned by the cable channel VH1. Seems he was talking up Evian water on the show ‘The Fabulous Life,’ without disclosing that he was getting paid to promote the overrated tap water. Granted, he doesn't even pretend to be a journalist, while Williams and Gallagher, as columnists, are, at best, opinion types who always have an axe or two to grind. However, I'm not getting my share. Why, I did an hour interview on ‘No Child Left Behind,’ and expressed my backing for the concept. But did the Education Department offer me even a paltry hundred grand? No, indeed. So it's time to make my policy clear: I can be bought. I don't want to be exorbitant. To push policies with which I agree, as both Williams and Gallagher say they did, I'll sell out for $100,000. To back something on which I have no opinion will cost you $250,000. But if you want me to bury my principles along with my integrity, it'll cost you half a million dollars. I feel these are reasonable rates, considering the nearly 500 radio stations which carry one or more of my shows, and considering how, up ‘til now, I've earned a reputation for honesty and integrity which will, of course, only go down hill from here. And what's that trickling down the legs of my listeners? Why, it's only a revenue stream. Trust me. Offer void wherever my voice can be heard.
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